my dad never left me

A Childs poem -

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mummy tried to tell her,
That she  should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.




But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seat.

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak..
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike..
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see, he was a soldier
And died, just this, past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught, us all to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed flower.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.

Keep a seashell close to your ear

 Keep a seashell close to your ear.

The sound you hear 
Is it the sea or  the ocean?
Neither is it the sea nor is it the ocean
The sound is your blood surging.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next 24 hours were crucial, it was make or break time.
He knew also that the law of averages was in his favor if he held his nerve.

The determination and  desire to excel welled up in him.
Check list -  formal clothes, tie and shoes borrowed from his room mate (he vowed to replace it), briefcase with his documents, passport, driving license, all were in order.
Now he had to see it to the logical end, he echoed silently.

The throng of job hunters seemed endless. Determined to keep his cool, he sent up a prayer and joined the long line of job seekers at the Employment Opportunity Fair he was attending with his close fiend Shankar.
The ear splitting wail of the ambulance had them scattering in all directions.
Some one was seriously injured, intuitively he started running behind the ambulance, totally ignoring the shouts of his well meaning friend, Shankar.
The hospital was just a block away in the crowded market and he saw Mr. Menon being lifted and carried in, blood dripping amidst shouts of 'Make way, move out.'
I have to be there, he decided as he saw the white faces of family members.
 

They needed blood now was the verdict flashed on the Hospital display board.

He volunteered and went inside praying with an intensity he had not summoned even for the interview. The wait seemed endless, watching the family huddled  together, he remembered their kindness when he was orphaned, how they had taken him in and made him partake of all the daily meals.

Almost four hours later Menons' son, Balan walked out with the doctor from the ICU theater. 
Smiles all around. Miraculously the patient had survived and was now stable.

He left as silently as he came without talking to anyone there.
 

The queue was almost over but Shankar stood there looking out for his friend.
"Come on, made it by the skin of your teeth, he whispered. Go on in, here I have filled out the forms, do well".

So saying, Shankar moved aside.

He walked in head held high, his answers were crisp and to the point. 

"You have stated that your focus, determination to see things through, eye for detail and confidence as well as academic performance is your conviction that you are the person for the vacancy we have. Why were you not here when your name was announced?"

Silence filled the room, he remembered his deceased mother's  refrain to never make excuses. 

'My sincere apologies sir' was the quiet reply.

Walking back he met Shankar, they silently made their way back home, each deep into his own thoughts.

The white envelope looked too heavy to be a reject letter, he decided as later in the week he slit open the official intimation.  He had been selected as project assistant at the Informatics Center in the heart of Chennai. Shankar too beamed as he waved his own selection letter and hugged him.
" I knew you would be selected, brother" he whispered.

 But what, how? The signature made little sense to him then as he thanked Fate for his selection.

The CEO was an entrepreneur who studied the everyday happenings in and around the marketplace. He heard discussions of how a young man had saved a life and was the talk of the town. A brief inquiry revealed details.

 The honesty of the lad who had accepted his being late for the appointment that day without showcasing his action as an excuse or achievement touched a nerve in his memory.

His rare honesty made him a worthy addition to the Company.


The young boy went on to become a respected and honored senior member of the Company and an asset to the Nation. 

Gratitude and a sense of self worth helps one succeed in Life.

Relax | Rewind | Recharge | : Not a cloud in the sky

Relax | Rewind | Recharge | : Not a cloud in the sky

Not a cloud in the sky

Not a cloud in the sky.

Well that was the precise sentence she had from her, nothing more.

What does one conclude. She has adjusted to life and all is smooth sailing? Does this mean no cares or worries? Or too much sun or not enough rain or..stop-this is not helping.

Brooding, she looked over the vast acreage they owned. Her passionate involvement in the numerous plants and assorted pots of various sizes, the orchids and decorative plants were a thing of the past.
She was listless, depressed, moody and almost suicidal. Her head  hurt and she developed a severe sense of pain. The sorrow seemed to emerge from the pit of her stomach. The sense of something wrong, the feeling that she had not stepped up to stop the events deepened each time she looked at the display of photos on the mantle, walls, now even her phone screen saver.

The laughter and constant humming, radiant smile, vivid impersonations of her only daughter haunted her. After a hasty marriage she was not ready for, she had been whisked to a far off land (though she had declared she wanted to work as a medical intern in the rural areas to bring relief to the suffering in her homeland). Closing her eyes to shut out the images, she slipped into the past.
   
 Happy, carefree and dainty described her beautiful daughter. So diametrically different, she was nothing like her own self but her salvation from a loveless, arranged marriage.

 Quite her opposite, she mused as she saw herself almost 22 years ago.
 Dark swarthy complexion, beak nosed, bulging eyes, buck teeth was her opinion of herself.
  

Born to into a rich family after almost 15 years of marriage when they had given up hope, she was doted upon by her parents. 
Her looks soon had her cowering and ill at ease.
The Convent school she attended was her salvation, she hid herself among books and would spend hours by herself in the make believe world. Graduating with top honors, she continued her studies till she earned her doctorate in literature. Along the way she her looks improved, the teeth were tamed, the eyes had contacts, her dark looks seemed in vogue, and the groom who came wooing seemed smitten by her. Her total lack of self-worth had her still shying away from Life.

So, she was quick to conclude that it was her affluence and not looks that was the draw. Her complete lack of social graces had her agreeing to the match selected by her aged parents.
She had no idea how she looked, only what her parents told her about herself. 

Yes, her intuition had been so right.

He only wanted money and a ticket to pursue higher education in the US of A.
Within 3 months of marriage, he left for higher education, fully sponsored by her parents, of course with the understanding that she would soon join him.
Then came the excuses, can she come after a few months so he could settle down, he would send her the dependent visa.
She watched him manipulating them but was silent, as she was with child. She did not even question why he did not connect with her directly, her parents shielded her at every turn.

  The beautiful little bundle who was born almost nine months to the day of their union was her pride and joy. Dainty, bright and inquisitive, she was sunshine, warming every one she connected with.
Never having met her father who stayed back in the land he had been sent to as a dowry for a marriage he was talked into by his parents, he had displayed no interest to know more about his family.
The child grew up with her grand parents an her mother, they were a close knit unit.

Years flew by, the loving grand parents passed, mother and daughter  who looked more like siblings, were like two sides of the coin, one bright and cheery ,the other dark and brooding. 
Their idyllic time seemed too good to last, she often looked over her shoulder to see if the clouds that seemed to threaten their existence would drown their life.

 Medicine seemed the only choice, the girl with the magic touch who could charm every person she connected with, selected the profession that needed most healing and excelled in her chosen field.

Then came the bombshell.
The father who so far had been non existent decided he wanted his only daughter to wed the person he choose for her. Everything had been arranged and the date set, it was a word of honor and she was forced to agree.
 
Why oh why had she been silent for so long.
She should have filed for desertion long back, then the situation would have been averted. She still did not fully comprehend what transpired, was it a dream, the sense of some imminent change still haunted her.

  The realization that she had not actually gone into the details each time gripped her. Quelling her panic, she decided to go over the events again in an objective way.

So what had transpired twenty two years ago? She remembered the joy and thrill of the wedding night, the honeymoon week they had spent at Ooty-Kodaikanal, the immense happiness she felt when they returned home, the plans they had made. 
Suddenly everything soured, he moved out,  went abroad for further study, they lost touch.Why had she not tried to connect and find the reason, the nagging sense that somehow she had been manipulated grew.

 Snatches of conversation, innocent looks, absence of mail, excessive intrusion of her parents, their overpowering influence in her life..something seemed wrong.
She had felt it but her intuitive trust and faith in her parents and her own lack of confidence in herself had her believe everything they told her.
She lacked looks, grace, beauty but they loved her anyway, was their only chant.

The attic held all the correspondence, her father had closet he always kept locked.
She determinedly traced the key, opened the vault and with growing trepidation decided she must now know the truth.
Hmm -- bills, passbooks, cancelled checks..wait a minute..why were they cancelled,she believed he had used them for his studies.The thick wad of unopened letters bearing her name shocked her.

 Why was she unaware of this correspondence!!

Four hours later she felt her heart still thudding at the shocking revelation.

It was all there, the countless letters he had written.
Her parents had kept them all hidden away so she would believe she had been abandoned.
They wanted to keep her and the baby with them so their life would have meaning.They did not even think how their selfish motive had wrecked havoc in her life and her daughters life too.

So what else had she ignored?

The time her daughter had been away during her stint at medical college had seemed so lonely and frightening. A conversation about the absent husband and father had come up but she had hushed it up as she did not want to lose her daughter.

 Well..so she had done just what her parents had and that had been wrong.
Oh no! what a mess, she decided to get in touch with her husband who she had not spoken to since the three months after her own wedding.

'Hello..is this # --- --- ----?' A silence that seemed like music to her ears, she remembered his slow drawing of breath.

' I have been waiting to hear from you ' was all he said.

Tears welling she hesitatingly narrated the story, He did not interrupt.
 

The door bell pealed and she heard the sound of the postman. He said softly-'Go,  get the post,that is
your ticket sent by our daughter. She figured out what had happened and we decided to take the chance that you would be willing to come here, away from the bonds that kept us apart all these years.'

Their son in law was his sisters son. She had always been in touch, keeping the youngsters connected. The two had decided willingly to get married but feared a repeat of the happenings two decades and two years ago. She was overcome with joy when she heard her daughters voice.
'Amma..all is fine here now.'Not a cloud in the sky--
 

Please do come and join us, we are waiting for you. The flight leaves at midnight tonight.
Heart thudding she looked around with a sense of dawning realization that reality and not dreams were playing out.
Her tears now overflowed.
The wait was finally over.

light a candle for joy and host a feel for life

---

For centuries candles of different colors have been burned to attract desired emotions, material wealth, or karma. Candles can be one of the most effective tools used for meditation, rituals and other ceremonies. The size of the candles you use is not important. It is the color and its meaning that matters! Only fresh candles should be used. This avoids issues with candles that have picked up negative energies and vibrations interfering with the ritual or meditation and adversely affecting the outcome. Traditionally, candles should be lit with matches and should be snuffed out, never blown out.

Meditate to establish a psychic link between the candle and yourself. Be specific in what you ask for . Do not use candles to put negative energy onto others. Always be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

 A list of individual candle colors, the meanings, the uses associated with that color.

Black: Used in rituals to induce a deep state of meditation, to protect and/or to ward off negativity. Can be used to banish evil or negativity as in uncrossing rituals; attracts Saturn energy. Burning black with any other color is said to dissolve all negative energy.

Blue: The primary spiritual color is used to obtain wisdom, harmony, inner light, or peace; confers truth and guidance. Other uses include healing, sleep, creativity, perception, calming wisdom, truth, loyalty, dreams, and the examination of emotions. Some say it represents the divine mother.

Blue (Dark): Promotes laughter and joy as well as loyalty. Can be used to attract Jupiter energy, or whenever an influence needs to be increased. Confers wisdom and self-awareness. Can be calming and assist sleep. Also used to influence truth, dreams, emotions, and loyalty.

Blue (Light): Another very spiritual color: it is used to increase peace, tranquility, patience, and calmness. It radiates Aquarian energy and can be used in devotional or inspirational meditations; employ where a situation must be synthesized.

Blue (Royal): Mostly used to confer wisdom, protection, and good fortune. Increases spiritual awareness. Also increases communication, which can cause change. Can bring about a deep meditational state. Used in rituals that need increased Saturn energy.

Brown: This is an earthy, well-balanced color used for rituals of material increase. It is said to eliminate indecisiveness and improve powers of concentration, study, and/or telepathy, increases financial success. Also represents the home. Some say those born under Capricorn will be more potent in their work using it.

Gold: Fosters understanding and is said to bring about fast luck or money. Represents solar energy. It is used to heal all inner wounds, also to confer prosperity, wealth, attraction, enlightenment, protection and the Divine Mother.

Green: Promotes prosperity, fertility, and success. Stimulates good luck, can increase money, harmony, and rejuvenation. Also represents Healing, health, and growth. Can be an important component in rituals involving Venus; attracts love, and social delights.

Green (Dark): Color of ambition, greed, and jealousy. Used to counteract these influences in a ritual. Also relates to personal goals.

Gray: Useful when pondering complex issues. Can neutralize negative influences without repercussions. Represents balance, encourages stability, helps develop psychic abilities. In magic, this color often sparks confusion; it also can negate or neutralize a negative influence.

Indigo: This is the color of inertia; stops situations or people; best used in rituals that require a deep meditational state. Also stimulates Saturnian energy.

Magenta: This is a combination of red and violet that oscillates on a high frequency. It’s used to energize rituals where immediate action and high levels of power or spiritual healing are required.

Orange: Used as a balancing element. Promotes mental agility, energy, success and stamina. It’s used to affect legal matters, success, action and promotion. Gives encouragement, adaptability and stimulation. Cleanses negative attitudes, situations and places.

Peach: Promotes restoration and rejuvenation. Confers a softness and gentleness.

Pink: Represents emotions from the heart and raises energies. This is the standard for all rituals that are used to draw love.

Pink (Dark): Represents friends and family, and healing in the family. Promotes romance, and friendship, brings hope. Can promote restful sleep.

Pink (Light): Represents devotion, love, tenderness and faith. Feminine energy.

Purple: Is used to obtain desires, power and success. Can stimulate idealism and psychic manifestations and help make contact with the spiritual world. Increases enthusiasm, desire and power. Is also powerful for healing, and spiritual development. Some attempt to use it for power over others.

Red: Represents physical pleasures. It can stimulate lust, courage, or strength against enemies. Can confer passion, love, and/or respect. Stimulates energy, health, fertility and will power. Draws Aries and Scorpio energy. Increases magnetism in rituals. Infers sex, vibrancy, and survival.

Rose: Rose is great for treating heart ailments, anxiety, depression. Good for people who suffer from nightmares. This graceful color increases admiration, love, friendship, fidelity, and calmness. Can also arouse emotions. It stimulates compassion for self and others, higher mystical powers and humor.

Silver: Encourages stability; helps develop psychic abilities; attracts the influence of the Mother Goddess. Also used to stimulate mental telepathy, clairvoyance, and intuition. Can be used for cancellations and neutrality. Stimulates dreams, female power, and astral energies/projection.

Turquoise: Is a color that can be used for healing, prosperity, peace, growth, awareness, meditation, creativity, neutrality and cancellation. Often used to represent the Goddess.

White: This has the highest consciousness to protect, purify, and heal. Represents truth, unity, protection, peace, purification, happiness, and spirituality. Some say it can be used to replace any color candle in rituals. Used for concentration rituals and meditation work. Lunar energy.

Yellow: Represents attraction, charm, confidence and persuasion. Used to stimulate mental clarity, knowledge and concentration. Also used in healing. Like gold, it can serve for magic and rituals involving solar energies and deities associated with the sun. Stimulates logic, aids in overcoming mental blocks and promoting the self.light a candle for each feeling/color makes it come alive

The light shines from within

Nothing can dim the light which shines from within..

The faith and deep affection he had for his mother, the lessons in concentration, ethics, discipline and dedication he had learned at her insistence now stood him in good stead.

Her story, she had once narrated to him, enfolds as below.

She had faced a crushing Life, raising her nine siblings.

Her father who toiled in the landlords farm from dawn to night on a meager pittance had died of a snake bite even as her mother was expecting the tenth child.She had been only thirteen and still a child when the burden of the entire family descended on her frail shoulders.

The small hovel at the edge of the vast estate the landlord he worked for was their only home.
She had to now care for the whole family, the owner agreed to let her family stay on if she would work in the main house as a maid, cook, cleaner, gardener, care taker, nursemaid..in short she did everything silently and without any fuss.

So she was awake by 4 AM morning at her hovel, caring for her mother and siblings, sending the older ones to the nearby Municipal School.
 All  the work at home had to be done so she could scramble over to the main house where her never ending chores began by 6 AM.
Sweeping the entrance,  drawing the design with rice powder, she then cooked, filled buckets of water drawn from the well.
Quickly bathing herself before the household woke she then entered the Kitchen where she did housework till mid afternoon. Grinding the batter for the daily crepes(dosas), rice steamed salted cupcakes(idlis) or other snacks, she was on call till the large household had breakfast.
She cooked huge quantities of lentils, rice, spicy dishes according to the menu decided by the Lady of the house.
Her smiling face, quick and efficient work was noticed by the Old Lady, The Matriach of the household who insisted she have a substantial breakfast so she could go about her housework.

Her mother came over later to help with laundry, cleaning the huge acres of land, watering the gardens, weeding, planting,shopping for grocery.
This gave her some free time in the afternoon when she attended school so she could continue her education, as the Old Lady insisted upon it.

Her slender lovely looks and graceful beauty soon attracted the attention of the Landlord, now a widower. 

The father of three children, his wife had died at the birth of the third child who was older than her. 
He forced himself on her when he wanted. She had to stay on at the household at his insistence so he could have her when he had the urge. She was fortunate that he was diabetic so could not use her sexually but he made her wait on him and had other cravings she had to satisfy.

She bore all this stoically so her own family could grow and flourish. 
Her siblings grew up and moved on in life.
As each one graduated and accepted a job, she helped them get married and start a family.
They soon moved out to carve out their own destiny.

Her Mother passed in her sleep one day as she never woke up.

Looking back on her Life as she visited a place of worship with the Old Lady of the Household, she prayed silently and bit back tears. Quietly she willed her tears to stop as she packed for the trip back to the household.

"I will ask him to marry you so the family house will be yours some day, the children are grown up and have no need of the ancestral  property as they have settled abroad". The Old Lady gently informed her.
True to her word the small ceremony to legalize the wedding was conducted that week.

She was now the wife of the Landlord.

Her marital status was short lived.
He passed within a month as the injured toe turned septic due to his diabetic condition and did not heal.

His children did not even come for the funeral.

She continued to live in the huge house and took over the duties of managing the vast acres, farmlands, and estates they owned.
She enrolled in an online course, got her degree in Agriculture .
Her focus and hands on approach, generous and helpful attitude helped her understand that new methods had to be incorporated to manage and produce better crops and output.

The next few years flew by as she tenderly cared for the Old Lady who she had come to love.

The terse letter arrived one day from her only step daughter.

She would give birth to a child out of wedlock but was not expected to survive as she had AIDS.
The child would be sent to her with the adoption papers when she was no more and this was her dying wish and request .

So at the age of thirty eight she was a mother of her step daughters son.

Seeing the tiny tot who had been flown in from the US after his birth, she took in the hapless child of her only daughter by marriage, raised him on her own as she accepted the dying apology of her wayward step daughter.
She never questioned his parentage but took him into her heart to raise him with all her maternal love and wisdom.

 Widowed early in life, the second wife to an elderly man whose step daughter resented her and caused only heart ache, she now had to nurture a new life barely a few hours old.

He could only remember her love of Life.
The vast fields where he ran barefoot, played with the children of those who labored in the fields made him love the land and the life.

She got back her will to live as The Old Lady who was in her  late eighties seemed to be overjoyed at the turn of events.